When Depression Strikes

A large part of creating this website is to begin to be accountable to a new goal of mine. I'm determined to show up with a new level of transparency, and focus on three main pillars... Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Integrity. I'm working hard to let go of my fear of sharing my thoughts make the effort to post what I think, say, and do... I love to share and express a predominantly happy, and joyous version of myself, however this blog is meant to dive in and talk about the less polished side of life. I got sober September 13, 2023, and since then have gone through waves of depression, including cyclical spiraling thoughts and many moods that are far from joyous. Here is something I wrote on the morning of November 27th 2024, after a particularly pensive morning. I was quite introspective and recognized dense sorrow, and grief. As I wrote this entry I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and serenity and I wept with a sense of relief.

Just to set the scene, I was listening to some worships songs in my car on the way to the gym for a workout and this first question was presented in the song. It inspired me to write this...

Do I only love in times of plenty?

Do I strike happiness in times of harvest only? 

How do I sit in gratitude daily so that I may remain in a continuous state of peace and joy? 

I must quiet my restless mind and open my faithful heart in order to spend time truly expressing gratitude for the things I already have in my life.

If I create a conscious moment to recognize the unrealized gifts to come and the joy the future holds everything can shift in a matter of minutes.

As if a miracle is occurring, the atmosphere around me changes, the clouds part and  I can feel the sunshine again 

Overflowing with love, joy and and a sense of peace, I realized that nothing has changed around me but instead everything has changed in me 

This is one of my favorite entries to go back and read when I find myself feeling down or particular lonely and full of grief. Over time I'm learning to allow myself to feel the pain and sorrow completely, even embrace it as it comes. I recently heard a quote that resonated with me. It was on a podcast from Aubrey Marcus, he said...

"yeah, my teacher Rabbi Gavni says, not only is greater the light than the darkness, but greater is the light that comes from the darkness, which is like Carl Jung, you know, your leaves stretch up to heaven to the degree that your roots stretch down to hell."

As soon as I heard this, it just clicked. Often times the onset of a depressive episode is swift and subtle and I'm not able to identify what caused it or why it is occurring. Seemingly nothing has occurred that should cause me to feel such a way. However, there is always a progression through a tunnel of darkness that is followed by an emergent return to the joy and warmth of the sunshine again. I am now becoming increasingly more grateful for these experiences honoring them as blessings that only increase the greatness of my light.